A couple weeks ago I was having coffee with my college freshman daughter, who is also editing my videos. She had some suggestions for me to improve my lighting and space, and we ended up watching some YouTube videos together to look for examples.
At one point I searched "homemaking videos" just to show her what most videos on homemaking are like (they are not talking heads like mine!). She immediately started gaffawing as we watched a woman in a linen dress slowly and methodically make her bed.
"Even her cat matches the bedding!" my daughter exclaimed, "Oh, yes, of course," she shook her head as the shot zoomed in to the woman petting the perfectly placed, matching cat.
The video was all voice-over with shots of the woman carefully making perfect cinnamon rolls and sourdough bread. Since we were in a coffee shop, we had it muted and couldn't hear the wisdom she was imparting to us.
"Yeah, there's no way you can do that kind of video," my daughter--always one for brutal honesty--assessed. "Even when you're in your new house, it's never going to be that coordinated and put together." I contemplated being offended. I contemplated objecting that anything was possible in the future (hey, I won't have children in house!). Instead, I grinned, because she was totally correct.
She continued, "I'd love a house like that. I'd love to keep house like that. But it's just a dream state. It wouldn't really be comfortable to live like that, especially not for other people in your house."
"Have you ever called out this kind of video?" She asked. "Your kind of people are watching these videos just to daydream because it's beautiful but it's actually impossible. It's probably making them discontent and disillusioned. Talk about perfectionists!"
Watching idyllic homemaking videos is a kind of vicarious living. We call it "inspirational" and "encouraging," but it's actually so beyond our reach that we know no matter how much time we put into our cleaning or our decorating, we'd never get there. So why start? Just watch another video and get the payoff vibes from someone else's work.
Perfectionism shows up in all manner of ways. Sometimes it makes us not start at all because we know we'll never achieve our ideal.
Sometimes perfectionism works really hard "setting things up" but never digs into the real work at hand that would make a long term difference.
Recently I received a note from a mom, and I'm sure many of us have done this:
Can’t start things without cleaning up first. If I have to work at my desk, I have to clean up my desk first. Time to start school? But I have to clean up breakfast first. There’s always so much to clean or tidy up, it’s hard to do other things that need to be done.
Here's what I told her:
That obligation is coming from your perfectionist mind, not reality. Which is more important? Having everything done just so right now or the work of homeschooling? In 10 years, which will have mattered more? The perfectionist impulse is just procrastination disguised as a virtue.
Sting? Yes. True? Yes. I know because I've been on that end of the pendulum, too. If a clean environment will make a difference (and it will), then I won't start the real work until I've achieved that environment. And so, more time is spent preparing than really doing. The kids don't receive an education; the kids aren't attentively disciplined; the obligations are not fulfilled; the new couple at church is not invited over for dinner – all because we're not ready yet.
Start before you're ready. Get to the work that will make a lasting difference in your children's life and you'll discover that over time you will also begin to be more prepared and clean up in readiness for the work you know will actually happen.
Perfectionist procrastination productivity takes up more time than the task is due because your unconscious true goal is to use up time so that the intimidating, meaningful, uncomfortable, more vague work is crowded out. When you put the big rock priority work first, the pebble and sand work will also happen. When the pebble and sand work comes first, it will crowd up the space.
If you want to do more, start by doing the work of your calling, and clean up as you go, clean up afterward in preparation for the next day. If you didn't prepare the day before, start anyway and you'll be more motivated later to make those preparations. Schedule those people to come over for dinner and your house will be cleaner more quickly because you have a deadline.
I saw perfectionism in action again from a Convivial Circle member this last week as we are all getting ready to begin our annual cohort of Simplified Organization Community Coaching. One lady told me -
My perfectionism prevents me from beginning something new until I've finished the old, so I'm just beginning the planner changes/mindset in the new year. Hoping the community coaching can help me not be quite so stubborn!
I'm a little worried I will miss videos/assignments and get too far behind to catch up. I don't want to waste this opportunity to grow better!
She's in for an uncomfortable, stretching surprise, and I let her know that to actually turn away from perfectionism, she was going to have to stop worrying about being behind and missing assignments and be willing to just jump into the unknown and, throughout the year, just pick up where she is without anxiety about "catching up."
Here's how I responded:
There is no catching up in Community Coaching, because that desire is your perfectionism that you have to reject. You will not complete every step, nobody ever does and that's part of the point; it's part of our strategy for beating our perfectionism and being willing to just pick up where we're at and take the next small baby step.
The modules in the courses are not so linear that you have to complete 2 before you do 3. You could be randomly assigned any module from any course, complete it, and that module would help you make progress. So when you lose track and fall off the bandwagon, don't panic and don't worry. Look at your last email or come in and ask in the chat, and do whatever the current module is.
Our goal in Community Coaching is ongoing engagement, not perfect completion. We want to practice a willingness to pick up and keep going without being paralyzed about missing something. You're more likely to figure out what's missing if you're moving forward than if you stay still and stuck.
I went more into this idea about picking up again without perfectionism in the Kickoff call earlier this week, so be sure to listen to that if you missed it. I think it'll be encouraging and helpful as we get started. It's the one assignment for this week.
And then I gave her the link.
This principle works with more than just my program.
You don't need the best meal plan ever to make dinner tonight. You'll make a better meal plan in the future if you just make dinner tonight with what you have on hand. Making dinner day over day will prepare you for meal planning more than attempting to meal plan without the practice of making dinner.
So here's today's thought experiment: Where is perfectionism making you procrastinate? What's the small step of daily faithful action that would reject perfectionism and move you forward, no matter how slowly?