This is adapted from a short talk I gave at a ladies' tea our church put on.
Pastor Wilson says that manners are love in trifles. Manners are the ways that we communicate love and care and attention for one another. When we practice manners and teach them to our children, we are remembering to think of others’ comfort and put it before our own comfort.
Manners is one way we apply Philippians 2:4: “ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Manners are the small ways we give love and attention to others. All manners, in one way or another, are putting the needs and honor of others above yourself. We live in a world that says we each have to protect ourselves and guard ourselves and put ourselves forward, but that’s not how Christians are oriented to the world or one another.
As Christians, we’re secure in Christ, we have faith and trust that God is guarding us and working all things for our good, so we have the ability, the freedom, the bandwidth to put others’ interests first.
Here are three ways we do that at church on Sunday— these are things all of us can practice tomorrow. All of us who can walk and talk on our own, anyway, can look for ways to love one another in these three ways.
Smile and talk to one another
First, we talk to one another. We look for people to talk to. We can even say a quick prayer and ask God to show us who we should talk to, who needs someone to greet them and ask them how they are.
Fellowship isn’t just between friends; we should have fellowship within the whole body of Christ, even with those who are not in your particular circles. Christ brings us together into the same body, and so we can smile, say hi, ask how a week went, and connect with one another.
Look around you after church, are you sitting next to someone you don’t know? Introduce yourself: “Hi, my name is Mystie, I’m not sure we’ve met before.” It's better to ask “Hello, have we met? I'm Mystie.” than to feel embarrassed that we can't remember and keep silent.
And if you think you have met, but don’t remember her name, just say, “Hi, I know we’ve met, but, I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name. I’m Mystie.”
Good manners looks people in the eye, even if you aren’t saying anything. Look people in the eye on Sunday morning and smile at them. We are coming together to worship the Lord, not each individual on our own, but together as a corporate body.
Keeping to yourself and minding your own business at church is not manners. It’s selfish. God has called us together and wants us to have unity and connection, not be lone rangers. You won’t be everyone’s friend, but you can be friendly with everyone.
Be aware of space and snacks
Second, having good manners means we don’t treat the space or the snacks like we are the only ones here. We think of how many other people are around us, also with needs.
Don’t dawdle in the bathroom stalls because someone else might be waiting. Don’t block the aisle so that others can’t get by you. Don’t grab 3 cookies when there are still 100 people or more who’d like a cookie. Don’t take your time in front of the coffee, adding your cream and sugar, but move out of the way so others can also get coffee.
Don’t run down aisle ways or through knots of people. You might see a path you can run and weave around people, but other people move and don’t see you coming and might be holding a cup full of hot coffee.
Manners saves playground behavior for the playground, not the sanctuary, even if the sanctuary is a gym. On Sunday, it’s a sanctuary.
Manners involves being situationally aware rather than wrapped up in our own needs and head. We recognize that our actions affect others, and we want the way we affect people to be for their good. Manners means doing our part to not make other people practice patience.
Leave it better than you found it
Third, with good manners we will leave things better than we found them. We don’t make a mess and walk away, assuming there’s a janitor who will take care of it. If we encounter a mess we didn’t make, we have the opportunity to make it better ourselves!
See a bit of trash? Just pick it up and throw it away. Notice. See a runaway grape on the ground at a potluck, grab it before someone steps on it.
I don’t know how it was, but I didn’t hear the motto “leave it better than you found it” until I was a grown up, a mom with several small children. I heard someone say it, and a lightbulb went off that it was a phrase I needed and had been missing.
I started trying to make it a motto, something that I did, and I realized I was missing a key skill: situational awareness. You have to actually pay attention, to notice, to see the space to be able to leave it better than you found it.
And this is actually true of all manners. Having good manners, loving one another in the small things, requires us to give our attention to them, to notice needs so we can meet them. Our attention has to go outward, noticing other people rather than getting tangled and stuck inside our own inner dialogue and consumed with our own thoughts and feelings.
Love in trifles
At first, all manners feel awkward and uncomfortable. That’s not a sign that manners aren’t for you or you’re incurably bad at manners—it’s a sign you need to practice them more until they become familiar and comfortable.
Start here at your tables. Practice all three areas of manners tomorrow at church: Talk to people, looking them in the eye and smiling; be considerate of others in how you move and how much you take; and leave things better than you found them.