This week my husband and I celebrate our 25th anniversary. We got married at 19, had our first child at 21, our last (it appears; the way of women is yet with me) at 30, our first daughter-in-law gained when we were 41, and our first grandchild at 42.
We’re currently building a custom home, which is a project renowned for creating marital strife. We have certainly had back-and-forth along the way as we worked out what we wanted and tried to imagine what would work for our future, but nothing rose to the level of strife.
We aren’t just having a custom home built, either; my husband is doing the work himself—so the process is more personal and more extended.
When we got married, we agreed that the Good Life was a settled life building a family and being involved in our church. We didn’t really care about accumulating other “experiences” for experience’s sake.
The farthest we’ve traveled together is from Washington State to Arizona on a family tent-camping trip to the Grand Canyon, all in a 12-passenger van with my in-laws. Again, this we did without strife.
Some might not think this is possible, and for some it honestly might not be possible. But even if strife breaks out, it is possible to put the relationship back together quickly and move on with forward momentum to build a happy life together.
Before we got married, we received three key pieces of advice that we took to heart and committed with one another to practice.
In honor of our 25th anniversary, I will lead with those three and add 22 more things I’ve learned along the way about building a happy life in a happy marriage.
Tip #1: Keep short accounts.
First, before we were married we were able to attend a local Reforming Marriage seminar taught by Doug & Nancy Wilson while we were at the University of Idaho and attending Christ Church.
I’m sure there were many good ideas presented, but it was after this seminar that we had a conversation where we committed to ask forgiveness when we sinned against one another even in small ways, to name the sin correctly and bluntly when we did so, and to explicitly say the other was forgiven — and this we would do when the sin was made known to us, as close to the sin as possible. This is what the Wilsons call “keeping short accounts.”
I am sure we have not done this perfectly for 25 years, but by and large we do such that we have never knowingly held something against the other. We know what to do if we have a problem.
Tip #2: You don’t have to fight.
We only had one premarital counseling meeting with our pastor during our engagement. Again, I am sure he told us many wise things, but I remember two things.
First, he said that because he knew us and our families, he knew both our parents thought this was a good idea, and he knew we’d stay connected to our families and to the church; therefore, he was not worried about us being too young.
Second, he told us that it is possible to be happily married and not have fights. Not everyone can do it, but he and his wife had not had a fight and he didn’t anticipate having one.
He thought we could be the type to decide not to fight, and he highly recommended it. We agreed and went into marriage not assuming we’d always agree, but committed to not escalating anything to a fight.
If a fight requires two people, then we haven’t had a fight. I can think of a couple of times I lost it emotionally, but Matt kept his cool and diffused the situation rather than piling on and needing to “win” in the moment. We’d decided our relational win we were going for was not fighting, and he kept that goal in view.
There were also times I felt like he was starting a fight, but it was only that I was offended. Being offended is a choice, and usually the wrong one. I could have responded with escalation to win, but that would have done no one any good. A deep breath, admitting I am unable to be reasonable at the moment, or simply asking a question instead of making it a fight are all options that are possible and actually do work.
One reason we can avoid fighting is that we do not insist that we have to always agree. We are a one-flesh union, but not identical; identical would be boring anyway.
Just like the Church is one body but many members who add to one another to make a better whole, so a husband and wife are a better one together than if they were both the same.
Also, we both come from families that tease, but especially my family. It helps to be given a thick skin as a child and brought up that teasing equals affection. Matt can give me a hard time about something, and I am secure and can take it and volley the serve with a wink, not an edge.
During those times of the month where it doesn’t seem fine, I still don’t have to make a deal of it because it’d actually be dumb to make a fight over something that most of the time I can not only handle but even enjoy. I try not to be dumb.
Tip #3: In bed, direct your thoughts.
Our first year of marriage was spent in Moscow, Idaho, during our senior years at University of Idaho. That year Nancy Wilson led a Bible study for newly married and engaged women.
Again, I’m sure she said many, many wise things, but the one that stuck and that I applied and have been forever grateful for is that she warned us: When you go to bed, your to-do list, your grocery list, your worries will pop into your head.
That doesn’t even need to mean you aren’t in the mood, but if you hold on to those thoughts it will kill your mood. Just set it aside and pay attention to what’s happening. Don’t let your mind wander and you’ll have a better time.
Of course, we’re 25 years from this lesson, and this is my own mental summary saved, not her actual words, but it has served me well and I commend it to you as well, no matter how long you’ve been married.
It's also solid advice when there's not something else going on in bed. If I should be sleeping and my to-do list starts looping in my head, it has to be shut down. There is a time for to-do lists, and that time is actually never in bed. Singing or reciting Psalms is my go-to displacement method. It's not super spiritual; it's one of the many given uses for the Psalms. Try it.
Tip #4: Kiss when entering the same room.
You're not business partners. Your kids need to see your relationship on display. It is so easy to get wrapped up in your own head, but a kiss brings you to present and connects you.
Tip #5: You don’t need a date night, but you do need to talk & play.
Some people swear by their weekly date night, but it's not something were ever done. We've been on more dates the last four years (on average every other month) than we had total the previous 21, possibly even the previous 22 counting our courtship because we were poor college students.
Our more frequent date nights these last few years are mostly because we have had a lot of things to discuss, adjust to, and get on the same page about after we moved, and we no longer have any time after the kids go to bed. Teens.
When all the kids were younger, I'd feed them dinner early, set them up with a movie or computer games, then Matt and I would have a 1-on-1 dinner upstairs, pause to put the kids to bed at 7 (which has never been an elaborate process for us), then play a board game.
For a time when Matt worked from home, we took a walk during his lunch break. Also, any time we're alone together, we call it a date, even if it's just that I accompany him to Home Depot.
The principle isn't dating like teenagers. The principle is that a husband and wife should make time, however it works for them, to talk alone and get on the same page about life and what's happening. How can you be one if you're merely living separate lives in parallel? Make time to be friends and share life.
Tip #6: Go to bed at the same time.
All kinds of circumstances can mess this one up, but it is an ideal to strive for, to sacrifice for. It just makes sense.
We’re not ships passing in the night. We’re not business partners that share a bed. We are husband and wife that should enjoy one another as we fall asleep each night.
When we had been married less than 10 years, I remember our pastor’s mother saying, “It’s hard to stay mad at someone you know you’ll have to touch in bed.”
She was advocating for double beds rather than kings for this reason, which I thought was funny, but her words stuck with me and there’s some truth there for sure.
Tip #7: Eat dinner together.
I’ve written before that family dinner is the foundation of family culture and the basis of all hospitality. This is true even when the family is just the husband and the wife.
Before you have kids, before the kids are old enough to eat, when all the kids are out and about, when all the kids are grown and gone — eat together, at a table, with real dishes. Honor your fellowship and cultivate culture, even just the two of you.
Tip #8: Say thank you as much as possible.
Gratitude builds joy and connection, so it’s no wonder that gratitude would be good for marriage. It’s even more potent in a wife.
A woman is, by nature, receptive. Therefore, it is good and healthy for us to receive from our husbands and respond with gratitude when we do.
Marriage is not a 50/50 equal partnership arrangement. Don’t be provoked, offended, or sad when you feel like you’re needy.
Smile and say thank you as often as you notice your husband taking care of you. You’ll realize he does it more than you had noticed before once you start looking for reasons to say “thank you.”
Tip #9: Present a unified front.
This is another piece of advice we heard from the beginning from multiple sources and committed to. It’s a common piece of parenting advice. You don’t want your kids able to play one parent off the other. However, it is also applicable beyond the children.
For the most part and unless you are talking through an issue with someone able to help (an elder, pastor, older mentor, etc.), you should present yourself as on the same team as your husband.
Disagreements happen, but they don’t need to be hashed out publicly. Publicly, you’re a unit. This is part of submission as a wife. Be more loyal to your husband than you are to your mother or sisters or friends or even children.
Tip #10: Be interested in his work and hobbies.
Do you want him to listen to your educational philosophy and curriculum decision woes? Do you want him to sympathize with your sewing conundrum?
Do to others, give first, and take the time to notice and respond intelligently about his interests and hobbies. You don’t have to care about cars or sports, but care about your husband should be enough to carry you.
Tip #11: Ask him for his opinion.
It’s so easy to spend an hour or more researching an issue, asking on forums, and getting books and podcasts to consult, yet totally neglect to ask our husband what he thinks.
Of course, once we ask, we have to take his opinion into consideration and that’s probably exactly what we’re avoiding. Don’t avoid it. Trust God when he said, “Wives, submit to your own husbands.” Ask and give his opinion weight as you problem solve.
Tip #12: Make his favorite dinner regularly.
Food matters. Know what he likes, and serve food he enjoys. Food is every man’s love language; use it.
Tip #13: Smile when he touches you.
You want to feel loved and cherished and wanted, but when your husband comes up behind you while you’re cooking and grabs your waist, do you receive it as such?
When my husband touches my waist or hips, my first thought is often, “Yup, thanks, I already noticed that fat.” My husband, meanwhile, was far from thinking I was fat. He is finding me attractive, and attraction means drawing something close.
Tell yourself a true story, give up false stories that pop into your head, and respond warmly to your husband’s touch.
Note: Also, if you’ve been touched and grabbed all day by little hands, what if you thought of your husband’s hand as not just “one more” needy request, but as strength-transfusion?
Little hands have drained you. His hands can fill you up. You just have to receive it rightly.
Tip #14: Don’t correct the way he does chores.
This is part of both respect and submission. Treat him like a grownup who knows what he's doing. He doesn't have to do things your way.
Tip #15: Ask how you can help.
If you are his help-meet, the one helping him build the Good Life, regularly and humbly get on the same page with him by asking if there's anything you could do that would make his life easier.
Ask him what part of the house he'd like you to focus on. His answer might surprise you. Trust him and go with it.
Tip #16: Keep a reliable stock on hand.
No matter how good your system, it won’t always happen, but it’s worth the energy to figure out how to keep a reasonable household stock on hand. He keeps the lights on and the budget funded.
You keep the cupboards full with the items your household needs to run. You’re serving your husband well when you take this job seriously.
Tip #17: Pay attention to his direction, hopes, and ideals.
Often, when we as women image a man as the head of the house, we expect him to tell us very clearly and specifically all his dreams and all his heart for the future.
The reality is that most men have such a vision, they just don't think about it as much or in the same way we do and they are rarely able to put it into words so you'd understand.
Instead of waiting or wanting him to clearly express in words his mission and vision, pay attention to him. Figure it out. God gave women intuition to use for the good of the family. This is a good way to use it.
Making his mission happen in the world is what submission looks like for a wife. It's not just letting him veto you every few years.
It's ok for it to take time and iteration and mistakes along the way to figure it out. If God is kind, you'll have many years to work with. Be as patient with your husband as God is with us.
Tip #18: You don’t need to say everything you think.
Whereas we might have very little written or expressed words to work with from our husbands, he probably has too much to work with from us. We tend to equate intimacy and closeness with saying everything on our mind.
That's not healthy for us, for him, or for our marriage. Try only saying what builds up. Avoid tearing down your house with your words, and if you find you've done so, ask for forgiveness immediately.
A woman's tongue is potent. Use it for good and not evil, and don't buy all your default excuses about your intentions.
Tip #19: Ask rather than impute (or assume the best).
Always assume the best of your husband if you have to assume anything at all. Just because he doesn’t say anything while you’re sitting near one another doesn’t mean he’s mad at you.
Just because he didn’t pick up your hint doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Be kind to him by being more obvious and forthright. It will feel humiliating, but that’s just pride dying.
Tip #20: Only one thing good happens after 10pm, and it's not conversation.
My husband added this one. Probably that’s ‘nuff said as is. So many emotional issues turn out to not be issues after we've slept.
Tip #21: Don’t make him responsible for your feelings. Your feelings are not facts.
Women are more emotional than men, and that design feature has reasons and benefits. However, we live in a time that indulges emotions and regards them as "your truth," to be unquestioned.
This "expressive individualism" or "Bad Therapy" approach to life has left millions of women slaves to their weakest side, cut off from the path of wisdom, which is always in touch with objective reality.
Feelings are changeable, and should always be examined. Feelings can be intentionally guided, and we can grow in that skill. Feel what is true and right. Shed the feelings that tempt you into sin.
Tell yourself a true story. Repent. Rejoice. Repeat.
Tip #22: Fix your own heart first.
We can't hold our own growth or obedience hostage to our husband's. Doing him good all our life means being and doing what we ought, even if he isn't.
Abigail was a good wife, but she didn't badger her husband into doing what was right. She didn't try to convince him. She didn't feel sorry for herself. She went and did what was right to save the household, then informed her husband afterwards.
God will hold you responsible for you. Take care of yourself first without blame shifting or resting on the obedience (or disobedience) of others. Live before the face of God, regardless of who else is doing what. Someone else's sin never makes yours ok. Christ's obedience counts for you, but neither your husband's nor your children's faithfulness counts as yours.
Tip #23: Be happy & interesting.
Every good husband wants his wife to be happy. Happy wife, happy life is a saying. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. These are proverbial sayings because our mood and demeanor is the atmosphere of the home; ours is the cultural contagion for good or ill.
We have a duty to be happy, and we shouldn't hold our happiness hostage until other people do things our way. Enjoy life, smile at your people, find things you like and appreciate them, make yourself pretty, gaze out the window and glory in the beauty of creation.
Our happiness as Christian women blesses our husband and communicates that his sacrificial love is worth it. No, his sacrificial love doesn't need to meet your criteria before you are able to be happy.
If you have Christ and His Spirit, you have the power and responsibility to rejoice. It's a command, not an optional add-on.
Cultivate joy to obey God and to bless your home. Gratitude builds joy. Work done well brings joy. Sunshine brings joy. God's Word brings joy. Baby giggles bring joy. Hot coffee and a cool breeze brings joy. Smiling, as well, transmits pleasure to the one smiling and those who are smiled upon.
If you're rarely happy, something is wrong and you need to find a pastor or wise older woman (and after that, possibly a doctor) to help you figure out what's going on. It's not a small thing for your marriage or children.
Tip #24: Prioritize your marriage over the kids; be a wife first, not a mom first.
Becoming a mother changes everything about us. Our bodies kick into high gear and flood us with hormones to dramatically shift our attention, priorities, and feelings for the good of the dependent little one.
It's easy to allow those shifts to completely take over and replace our identity as wife with that of mother. If we feel like our husband gets in the way of the household or our parenting preferences or our relationship with our children, we are out of line. He doesn't need to have the same hormonal response or physical ties to have the same right to and authority over the children and home.
Do things to intentionally prioritize your role as wife over that of mother. Let dad's needs interrupt the kids sometimes. Put the baby down and kiss your husband. Ignore the children and kiss your husband in front of them with relish. Defer to his opinion and preferences.
Someday the children will be gone, and there's a reason it's not uncommon for divorce to happen in Christian families soon after that point. Keep connected and build your relationship throughout your child-rearing years so you aren't married to a stranger in your fifties and sixties.
Your children will be more blessed by having parents with a strong marriage than they will be by a doting mother. Your strong marriage has the potential to continue being an encouragement and blessing to your grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.
Keep the vision. Don't be short-sighted. Don't let your kids become your be-all, end-all identity.
Tip #25: Do not leave the house (or car) without being in fellowship.
I’m ending with an extension of #1: Keep short accounts that also integrates #9: Keep a unified front.
Your unified front shouldn’t be fake fellowship. Get good at asking for, giving, and receiving forgiveness. Marriage gives us ample opportunities to practice and get good at it.
Christian Marriage Advice
These are marital proverbs, generally true but needing to be worked out with wisdom in your own particular situation.
Marriage teaches us about our need for Christ. It brings our sins to the forefront, but that’s only so we can deal with them, get cleansed through forgiveness, and then walk in the joy of restoration.
Marriage teaches us about Christ. Ephesians makes that clear. Our marriages are walking pictures of the gospel, and we will either be proclaiming good news with our marriages or spreading heresy.
Christ pursues us when we put Him off, delayed, and had excuses. Christ sees our potential beauty and not only our current state. He gives us love and peace and security.
He also gives us reason and a calling to abound in good works. His love is productive in our life, fertilizing our fruit to increase more than we’d ever thought possible.
The joy of the Lord is found in submitting to Him, taking on His way of life and setting aside whatever in us does not fit that call. He develops new sides of us we didn’t know existed.
Just like being a parent teaches us what it’s like to be a child of God in a more profound way, being a wife teaches us what it’s like to be the Church, united to Christ as His body.
What we learn of Christ and the Church then feeds our daily life as a wife in a lifelong relationship with our husband, doing him good all the days of our life.
Marriage at every stage is a chance to repent, rejoice, repeat, for our good and God’s glory.